This is over.

If you have any respect for the 6 years of our relationship, I do ask that you finish reading this email. Until the end, regardless of how hard it may be.

I can get understandably angry at times, but if you get to the end, it will all makes sense. Nothing is said here to hurt you, it is said to make a point and get you to understand.

For future Redacted: I will be here as a close friend if you want one. I care about you and cherished our time together, thank you for the care and love you showed me at the times you did. I am grateful for having been with you :) I don't stop caring about good people just because they are in a bad place, so find me when you are ready. Just, be respectful for any possible relationship I may be in if you should choose to do so.

The final message to you as a loving husband who tore himself apart trying to save it:

You have anxiety and it makes you more anxious not getting a response.

I do, the cause of it has become very clear these last few months. More on that later.

But one day does not warrant "what you're doing is very, very hurtful" or "this is abusive."

First off, we all know it was not about the one day. It was about the pattern of it, over the course of years, as it progressively got wore and worse.

And excuse me for my anger on this next part, but if you had listened to the voice message, you would have caught "It causes me.... a lot of..... various things" was said. You can hear me stuttering and slowing down and trying to find what I felt safe to tell you.

When healthy people care about others, they naturally want to soothe those who are clearly going through something. Soothing cared about people in life is a universal positive experience, that should come naturally....

So what exactly happened to me?

I had a fucking panic attack at work, had to leave early. My nerves literally stopped functioning in my entire body for probably half that day.

I'm so fucking sorry that I left you a small voicemail asking you to just leave me a status update. (Something that we had talked about before multiple times.) After a 24-hour period where you had time to check and reply.

I know I have responsibilities as a 'wife,' but it isn't my obligation.

You're right, you are completely justified every single time you just forget (A constant issue). Funny how when I was doing this at the start of our relationship and you brought it up, I made it a goal to fix the issue and did so. But when you get asked to do the same? You are justified and don't need to remember anything, how it affects your partner be damned.

You're right, I should just keep running my patience and nerves down so much that I land in a hospital. How selfish of me not to think of that.

You directly dismissed me without getting any information about what had happened. You showed no care or curiosity about what I was dealing with. You went directly into minimizing all my feelings and told me that I am a flat out annoyance to your life and if you are stuck with this forever.

• Empathy: is generally described as the ability to take on another person's perspective, to understand, feel, and possibly share and respond to their experience.

You can figure out yourself if your actions meet the definition of this word.

Finally, yes, people do affect each other's systems to that degree. It is normal and healthy to experience various levels of pain when painful things (Like betrayal) occur.

I don't agree with either statement at all and that is why I said it was annoying.

You continue to confuse what you believe for reality and facts. You don't have to agree with my feelings, you have no say in my fucking feelings. You acknowledge it, because that is in fact, what I was feeling and that is in fact what happened.

You can disagree with statements or opinions or views. You cannot disagree with feelings for fucks sake.

"I am afraid of heights"
"Well, I disagree, heights aren't scary" 

Is not how feelings fucking work. You don't get to dismiss someone's experiences, because they are the ones experiencing it.

What you were accusing me of was annoying

There was no accusation in the voicemail, nor the message prior. There were statement about factual things that had happened, me sharing my current state with you, and letting you know what actions hurt me.

You felt accused, and it became reality that I now accused you of something. But this never happened.

Give a word for word quote of the accusation. The voice message is up. I replayed it.

Your defensive system made it up, and you failed to check your feelings against reality before you responded. You assumed that when you felt accused, you were actually accused of something. I cannot be blamed for how you took something, I can only be blamed for what I said or did. And I did not accuse you of anything.

You're still going to want and expect more from me.

Yes, I continued to expect you to inch forward in whatever timeframe it took, no matter how fast or slow your progress would be. Because I was ready to support a wife who needs a lot of support to get past her maladaptive trauma symptoms that shows in all aspects of her life. She had shown time and time and time again that she alone is not ready to overcome her fears.

You didn't seem to have any problems waiting for me to adjust at the beginning of the relationship and start being sweeter. So don't tell me we both have not changed.

You and me agree on reality here! There is in fact a reason for why I had so much more patience. And a reason for why it has slowly progressed and became less and less with each year.

I had already explained it to you months ago when my initial breaking point hit and it ran completely out.

You need to retreat and have space so you can recharge, but expect my patience to have an infinite pool and be able to last forever on your every request. You do not realize how much patience I have shown towards you and how much I sacrificed of my needs to try and make us work.

I "changed" because I was putting in 120% while receiving 20% of what I needed back. That is on me for staying, but it is on you not listening to my wants/needs/requests, avoiding all important conversations and ultimately the main cause as to why my patience dropped so low towards the end. You seem to be quite understanding of this concept when it comes to your own emotional needs, but lacked that same thought process/logic when it came to mine.

You just happened to like some of those changes, but are being impatient on ones that you do want to see change.

You never ask me my opinions on you. You have no fucking idea what I like about you, don't like, what I am proud of, what I ran out of patience for, what I have seen progress wise and what I have seen regress.

You make assumptions and then never question the reality of them by looking at the source. I am the only one who can tell you what I am thinking in my own head, you do not get to guess and label your guesses as the truth.

That is not how "truth" or "facts" are found. You have absolutely no basis in reality for what I think and believe, as you convinced yourself long before you ever tried to find out what I actually think. If you ever bothered trying at all.

And you're not scared of losing me.

I will point you to the reply just above this. This statement has no reality in it, your mind decided it was true and now it is true. Wild how that can never actually be a fact.

My very real panic attack and work corrective action/penalty for leaving early says otherwise.

You said it yourself: you have a safety net and you'll be fine no matter what happens.

Yes, that safety net is the amount of effort I put towards my mental and physical health. I trust myself deeply, and it took many, many years of work to get there. It took years of courage and facing deep fears, facing my own trauma, my own CPTSD, my own ADHD and my own Narc mother. Anyone that does these things will ultimately find that same safety net, this is an earned one. One that anyone with enough effort can get for themselves.

I just was - am - frustrated that I couldn't finish enjoying my newfound freedom from one stressor in my life before you spring something else on me. 

I still won't apologise for how I acted

Completely your right to do so and feel so. And exactly why I am choosing to end all further attempt at repair. Your actions (And lack of actions) have consequences, you got the freedom back that you were so deeply craving.

I don't believe I deserved what I was told.

How dare I tell my wife how her actions made me feel (Because that is literally all that happened, it is all recorded and saved for you to look at.) Such horror, you definitely didn't deserve that.

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The amount of abuse and neglect your type of thinking and actions cause people that are closest to you is horrible. If you actually give a shit about anyone around you and not just yourself.....

Take time away from any sort of romantic relationships. You will only continue to hurt people, and your brain will continue to justify and twist reality from you to protect you from feeling anything bad. You will never be able to distinguish what's true and what is false for as long as this is unaddressed.

Until you decide to face your trauma and take control away from it, you are not a safe person for other people.

Your mental defenses and walls helped you survive whatever it is that happened to you. You are out of those places/areas now, and it is time to work on bringing those defenses down. They will continue to hurt your life and everyone around you otherwise. The faster you face them, the more time you will actually be able to live in peace and with love towards the rest of the world.

I genuinely wish you luck and if I am able to help you, I will make time to do so should you find me.

Sincerely, your ex-husband

Redacted